Holding a grudge against your children?

Yes, normally our children are moderately well behaved.
Yes, normally I consider myself to be a pretty patient person (I mean, come on! I'm married to John Kean for heaven's sake!)
Yes, normally I don't really care two figs what other people think about my parenting skills or how I discipline my children...... but today......... sigh. today was not my day to shine as a "good mom" [emphasis on the quotes, I try to not to get bogged down in the good mom myth!!!!]

Anyways, here is my story for today. We got an email a couple of weeks ago about a field trip to Acorn Creek farm for David's nursery school. Siblings were also welcome to attend. "Great" I thought. David's first field trip. It will be fun. I will take the morning off work, I will bring Daniel and we will have a great time. Not so much. First of all, it was pretty cold today. Not winter cold really, but there was an edge to the coldness in the air. "No problem" I thought. I will dress the kids in extra layers, we will still have a great time. I packed the kids in the van with lots of time to spare and ran back into the house to make sure I had everything.... snacks in my pocket... check. .....water bottle in my purse, ......check. Directions to the farm........great, where the heck are they. I searched for AT LEAST 10 minutes. While the kids were in the car (with the heat on and the Cars soundtrack blaring on the stereo so they were quite happy but still!) FINALLY i find the directions. On the floor. Near the "toy section" as David calls it. Hmmmmmm,. how did they get there? Anyways..... so now we are late. "No problem" I thought. This is a nursery school field trip. I'm SURE other moms will be late too. Well, that part turned out to be true. At least four minivans pulled in after me, so that was good. I do hate being late though, so I was starting to get a little grumpy. Anyways, we get there, I get the kids out of the van, we head over near the tractor to wait for the other late moms to get their little angels out of their vans and it starts. "I'm hungry", (from David) "aaaaaa, aaaaa, aaaa with pointing" translation, I want down, I want to run around in the mucky grass. (from Daniel) "No problem" I thought. As soon as we get on the tractor, the kids will be so busy enjoying a fascinating, enriching farm experience with wonderful educationally interesting sound bites from Farmer Andy, that the kids will forget about their complaints. Not so much. The complaining continued with increasing volume each time Farmer Andy stopped to explain photosynthesis, or how a frost makes brussel sprouts taste sweeter, or how they grew 150 different varieties of carrots to find the best tasting ones. SOMEHOW, all the kids sitting in our immediate area were of the quietly sitting next to their parents type, who obediently munched on each vegetable sample (kale, brussel sprouts, parsley, celery root) that was passed their way. Meanwhile, David literally spit everything he tried out and said "I don't LIKE THAT" for any and all to hear, and Daniel, well Daniel was happy to try everything because face it, he eats almost anything PLUS this was fresh from the garden with dirt still attached and everyone knows how much he loves eating dirt!!! Anyways, I managed to keep them quiet for a few minutes with the emergency Welch's fruit snacks that I had tucked in my pocket... but literally, as soon as the last snack was swallowed, it started up again. "I'm hungry" "I want to go home" "I want to get off" etc etc etc. I was getting looks. And I don't mean the "I totally know what you are going through, my kids are like that too" looks. More like the "if you were a better mother, and you didn't give your kids sugary snacks, and you gave your kids a more complete breakfast of porridge or something, and you used some kind of effective discipline technique, you wouldn't be standing there trying to keep a one year old and a three year old from jumping off the field trip tractor ride while shushing them and trying to bribe them into being quiet" Sigh. So I was losing my patience, and getting really mad. (are those two things mutually exclusive?) I don't know, but I was NOT having a good time. The tractor ride could not end soon enough for me. The farmer asked at one point if we wanted a long tractor ride or a short one, and I actually couldn't stop myself from blurting out "short, PLEASE short" and the mom sitting next to me, repeated it to the farmer with the additional comment that "some kids are getting antsy" as in, not her kids, but other kids sitting near her! Argh. And so, finally we head back to the parking lot. We stop to hunt for pumpkins in the woods that the kids got to keep. - which in theory would have been fun, but I was SO mad at my kids, that I really didn't enjoy it as much as I normally would have. And then we stopped for pumpkin bread. Which of course quieted down my bratty kids for another one minute while their mouths were full of bread,... until it was done. "I want another piece" , " No David, everyone only gets one piece" "I want another piece!" again. Argh. So finally we are done. I put the kids in the van. Great, get me the heck out of here. Here is our conversation in the van: me: "David I am really, really, really dissappointed in how you were acting, you were very, very bad at the farm" David: "I'm really sorry Mommy", me: "But David, you were really really bad. Why were you so bad?", David: "I'm really really sorry Mommy", me: "I know you're sorry, but......" and herein lays the problem. I was so mad. I really did not want to buy his three year old, I'm sorry cause I know you are mad and that is what I usually say to get myself out of trouble line. So I gave up on the discipline/behaviour teaching moment and decided to stay quiet for the rest of the car ride home. I dropped them at the babysitter with (relief?) slash guilt because I was STILL mad. I went to work and tried to catch up on the work I had missed in the morning and I was STILL mad. I get home and listen to David tell Daddy about everything that he did at the farm and what vegetables he ate and what farmer Andy said and CLEARLY he still had a good time, despite the non-stop whining that he did the entire time we were there. But you know what? I am STILL mad.

Maybe I will get over it in a few days. but really. I'm pretty sure it is not a good idea to hold a grudge against your children. Anyone?